CW Survivor – Challenge 8: Punch to a Quick End

Given two lines, write the shortest story that connects them.  The story must be coherent and complete.  The given sentences are in bold in my entry below.

Your stunned silence is very reassuring. I’m not the dad, the river card won you the baby.  Your look at your new son says “I will need lots of beer.  Better get used to these bars, kid.

I messed around quite a bit with this story idea to get it as short as it ended up.  Toward the end, I started to wonder if I was losing some of the meaning of the story by cutting so ruthlessly.  Judges?

K: It’s a different take on this, but the lines don’t work seamlessly with the story. It’s…awkward, though the story itself is interesting enough to warrant a decent score.

3 points out of 5

B: The grammar here is very awkward. It seems like the tense changes from 1st to 2nd person in the the second sentence. If the entire thing is 2nd person, then it’s not entirely clear. Either way, it’s creative but doesn’t really do much for me.

2 points out of 5

Character count: 149 (2nd shortest of 13; +1 bonus point)

So yeah, apparently my worries were not unfounded.  The idea is that it’s one narrator throughout, but at the end he’s narrating his opponent’s thoughts.  Confusing?  Perhaps.  Awkward? Definitely.

Non-submissions decided this one, so our team continues on with 6 members.

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