WGOM CW Survivor Archives – Challenge 16 – Genre Swap

Take a well-known movie scene and write it in the form of another genre.

John Malkovich (John Malkovich) – (bursting into the office) What the fuck is going on here?

Craig Schwartz (John Cusack) – (stuttering) Oh! Um, Mr. Malkovich, sir, uh, Mr. Malkovich, I think I can explain.

JM – Yes.  Explain to me why I had to fight an enormous mutant killer goldfish to the death this morning.

Lonnie Schwartz (Kelly Wells) – That one was my fault.  Sorry.

CS – My name is Craig Schwartz. (CS offers his hand, JM contemptuously bats it away) We have discovered a portal which, when entered, allows the person to experience you, John Malkovich, fighting a physical manifestation of their worst fears.  I’m very sorry about my brother Lonnie, we didn’t realize that the fears were manifesting in the real world, but at least you were able to eliminate his manifestation.  Mine is still out there somewhere, terrorizing the populace.  You can’t really be blamed, of course, who could ever expect you to vanquish a ––

JM – (interrupting) I want to do it.

CS – I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

JM – (more forcefully) I want to do it!

LS – Let him do it, Craig.

(CS opens the portal door, and JM hesitates momentarily and then begins to crawl down the tunnel)

CS – What happens when a man goes through his own portal?

LS – (laughing) We’ll see.

(As JM crawls into the tunnel, the sound of gale force winds builds until the door slams shut and JM is pulled forward, sliding down the tunnel.  He opens his eyes in a deserted restaurant.  Bewildered, he begins to wander through the building.  A television is on in the lobby, showing an entire city block that has recently been demolished by some sort of natural disaster.  The headline across the screen only contains one word, “Malkovich”.  The footage is resized to a small square over the shoulder of the news anchor who could be JM’s twin)

Malkovichian News Anchor – Malkovich––

(JM, shaken by his face appearing on the anchor’s body turns off the television before more than one word is spoken.  A door slams somewhere ahead of him and as he moves forward he finds a woman leaning against the door, sobbing incoherently, her face hidden in her hands.  He reaches her, but as he reaches out to make sure she is alright, she lowers her hands to reveal that she too has JM’s face.)

Malkovichesque Woman – (Terrified of JM, screaming) – Malkovich!

(The woman scrambles to her feet and dashes out into the street.  The door remains open, and, outside, a multitude of people, all with JM’s face are rushing by, clearly fleeing something.  Rising from the murmur of the crowd a single word, always infused with a palpable sense of panic, overwhelms the sounds of running feet)

Random Pseudo-Malkovich #1 – Malkovich!
Random Quasi-Malkovich #2 – Malkovich!
Random Semi-Malkovich #3 – Malkovich!

(JM steps out of the restaurant and the sounds of the fleeing horde recedes until he stands in the street seemingly alone.  One straggling Malkovichovite limps by, badly injured.  The straggler sees JM is not fleeing.)

Straggling Malkovichovite – Malkovich?

JM – (affirming) Malkovich.

Straggling Malkovichovite – (shakily pointing back the way he came) Malkovich.

(JM heads in that direction.  He hears the sounds of buildings being smashed and glass breaking.)

JM – (whispering) Malkovich.

(JM stands in awe as a 20-foot tall giant John Malkovich pauses in his destruction, an unfortunate regular-sized Malkovich dangling forgotten in his hand, the corpses of a dozen or so other Malkovichi strewn in the street)

Giant Malkovichinator – (world-rattling roar as he moves toward JM) MALKOVICH!!!!!

(The force of the yell blows JM off his feet.  Tumbling backward, he is whisked out of the portal into a ditch somewhere just off the Jersey Turnpike)

CS – (falsely cheery) How was it?

JM – (running out of the ditch, he grabs CS by the collar and shakes him) I have been to the dark side.  I have seen a world that no man should see.

CS – Really? There were no manifestations here in the real world.  I thought that meant it was going well.

JM – That portal must be sealed forever, for the love of God.

CS – Mr. Malkovich, sir, with all due respect, I discovered that portal, and I started all this.  It’s my fault that New York City is currently being demolished by an enormous T-Rex with a jetpack and a laser gun.  I think the portal is the only way to finish this.  It’s our only hope.

JM – (shouting) It’s my head, Schwartz!  IT’S MY HEAD!  Find someone else to fight your ridiculous monstrosities, I’ll have no part in this.

(As JM walks down the highway away from CS, behind him, in the city, the T-Rex lets out a victorious roar as another army helicopter explodes into an angry fireball)

CS – (to himself) You don’t have a choice Malkovich. Either you help us, or I’ll be inside you, making you help us.

SPOOKY: Hehe…you guys definitely pay attention when I make cracks about my likes, my dislikes and my greatest fears, I’ll give you that. I think the idea of hundreds of Malkovichi would be funny against just about any backdrop, but the giant got me pretty good here. It might still be too funny to be a horror film just yet (granted, there’s usually a healthy helping of comedy in horror movies) but I do like the concept.


This one was kind of weird, right?  I really wanted to do the “Malkovich, Malkovich” scene, trying to change the genre without any meaningful dialogue.  I feel like the stuff I added before and after kind of took away from that a little bit, but I was pleased with the overall product.

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