Write a eulogy for a public figure that includes a revelation of a little known fact:
Countrymen, we are gathered here on this 12th day of September, in 1513, the year of our Lord, to mourn the passing of our king, whose invasion failed when he fell in battle against the English army at this place three days ago. James IV of Scotland deserves the remembrance that we offer today.
During my first audience with the king, I confess I thought him a madman. He stood before me in ludicrously short pants offering me an inflated pig’s bladder. Like most of you, I did not know him before he was crowned king as a teenager. I was impressed with his early success as a ruler, and looked forward to what he could do for his kingdom in the future. I wasn’t sure I could reconcile that promise with the man in front of me trying to explain that his main recreation was a game called “bladder-in-the-barrel”.
Slowly, I came to realize the importance of this game to the king. The countless hours attempting to throw that inflated bladder into a barrel fastened high on the castle wall were the happiest I ever saw him. The servants the king recruited to compete against him were never able to match his almost supernatural prowess with a pig bladder, and I fared no better. Mostly, we were all witnesses to his remarkable feats of athleticism. Over the years, he grew dissatisfied with the lack of skill those around him demonstrated in the game and withdrew from his friends and confederates. His undoing came when he made The Decision that the alliance he had with England no longer held him, and opted for a new treaty with new allies. As he moved south, the king continued to search among his army for anyone who could match his exploits on the barrel court. He roused soldiers from their beds, dragged them from strategizing sessions, and disrupted the army so thoroughly that their defeat on the battlefield was almost assured. Far from his homeland, with his army defeated, King James met his doom.
It is a truly sad ending for one who could have been a great king, and already I hear rumblings that there is no one who can step in and fill his role, and that a time of long suffering is headed toward the land that King James IV ruled. Fear not, for if we keep his memory alive, the next King James will not repeat his mistakes and we will remain strong.
BEAU: Well thought out, but the allegory is a bit heavy-handed for my taste.
1 point out of 5
SPOOKY: The idea of the King disrupting the war effort with this obsession worked for me. I kind of want to see this on a British sitcom, even if it’s all about LeBron.
4 points out of 5
I was mostly just enthused that I found an actual King James whose reign kind of overlapped with LeBron’s career arc. Seriously, everything in that is true (save the basketball stuff). Anyway, I think Beau dropped the ball here (pun absolutely intended – nothing gets my dander up like someone not owning up to an obvious attempt at a pun), but I guess if it didn’t do anything for him, there’s not much I can say.