WGOM CW Survivor Archives – Challenge 8 – Warning Label

Write a warning label for something:

A twenty-sided die –

Although the shape is irregular, this twenty sided die is NOT an extradimensional polyhedron that will tear the fabric of the space-time continuum. Use of this die will NOT create an alternate reality in which cause and effect no longer have any relation. More specifically, it will NOT make it okay for you to avoid the ramifications of murdering your own grandfather by sleeping with your own grandmother like in that one Futurama episode, so stop leering at your grandma, pervert!

S: This is, of course, absurd, but the caps to emphasize and the specific accusations are too funny to overlook here.

5 points out of 5

B: Yes! A warning label that makes absolutely no sense is perfect, but this author executes it as well. The universe theme is funny in its own right, but the sharp diversion to Oedipus complex is gold. Finally, the label itself getting personal with the owner is fantastic and what more warning labels should do. They might work better that way.

5 points out of 5

———

I kind of struggled with this one.  I had a lot of false starts before dashing this one off in about 10 minutes.  The right amount of absurdity can go a long way, I guess.  Our team remains completely intact at this point, no team losses yet.

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WGOM CW Survivor Archives – Challenge 7 – Eulogy

Write a eulogy for a public figure that includes a revelation of a little known fact:

Countrymen, we are gathered here on this 12th day of September, in 1513, the year of our Lord, to mourn the passing of our king, whose invasion failed when he fell in battle against the English army at this place three days ago. James IV of Scotland deserves the remembrance that we offer today.

During my first audience with the king, I confess I thought him a madman. He stood before me in ludicrously short pants offering me an inflated pig’s bladder. Like most of you, I did not know him before he was crowned king as a teenager. I was impressed with his early success as a ruler, and looked forward to what he could do for his kingdom in the future. I wasn’t sure I could reconcile that promise with the man in front of me trying to explain that his main recreation was a game called “bladder-in-the-barrel”.

Slowly, I came to realize the importance of this game to the king. The countless hours attempting to throw that inflated bladder into a barrel fastened high on the castle wall were the happiest I ever saw him. The servants the king recruited to compete against him were never able to match his almost supernatural prowess with a pig bladder, and I fared no better. Mostly, we were all witnesses to his remarkable feats of athleticism. Over the years, he grew dissatisfied with the lack of skill those around him demonstrated in the game and withdrew from his friends and confederates. His undoing came when he made The Decision that the alliance he had with England no longer held him, and opted for a new treaty with new allies. As he moved south, the king continued to search among his army for anyone who could match his exploits on the barrel court. He roused soldiers from their beds, dragged them from strategizing sessions, and disrupted the army so thoroughly that their defeat on the battlefield was almost assured. Far from his homeland, with his army defeated, King James met his doom.

It is a truly sad ending for one who could have been a great king, and already I hear rumblings that there is no one who can step in and fill his role, and that a time of long suffering is headed toward the land that King James IV ruled. Fear not, for if we keep his memory alive, the next King James will not repeat his mistakes and we will remain strong.

BEAU: Well thought out, but the allegory is a bit heavy-handed for my taste.

1 point out of 5

SPOOKY: The idea of the King disrupting the war effort with this obsession worked for me. I kind of want to see this on a British sitcom, even if it’s all about LeBron.

4 points out of 5

———

I was mostly just enthused that I found an actual King James whose reign kind of overlapped with LeBron’s career arc.  Seriously, everything in that is true (save the basketball stuff).  Anyway, I think Beau dropped the ball here (pun absolutely intended – nothing gets my dander up like someone not owning up to an obvious attempt at a pun), but I guess if it didn’t do anything for him, there’s not much I can say.

WGOM CW Survivor Archives – Challenge 6 – Create-a-Challenge

Create your own creative writing challenge.  Best idea gets implemented as the final challenge.

The Toynbee Challenge

Today is the day that the time machine returns from its journey. You have been offered the chance to interview the intrepid time-traveler and write a piece for your website/magazine/newspaper/personal diary.

Write a story that details the time-traveling journey, and any interesting events experienced either on the journey, or once the past/future destination was reached.

Guidelines:

Something in the present has been changed by the actions of the traveler (anything goes, from large scale to seemingly unimportant changes). Whether the assembled multitudes are aware of the change is left up the submitter.

The time-traveler is (thanks to an online vote) either an athlete or a TV/movie star. The other remaining Spookymilk Survivor contestant(s) must also make token appearances. Appearances by Kelly Wells (either one) and/or Beau are frowned upon.

Your editors are lovable, idiosyncratic eccentrics who will assign your article a score based on what they call a “sliding scale”. No one knows what this means, but it essentially boils down to this:

1 – Creativity in the manner in which the guidelines are followed (i.e. – your choice of famous time traveler and consequence) (0-5 points)
2 – Hilarity (or poignance if things take a dramatic turn) of the cameo(s) by the other contestant(s) (0-5 points)
3 – Integration of the time-travel consequence. How well does the change serve the plot? (0-5 points)
4 – Overall enjoyabilitude (I know it’s not a word, but I told you they were eccentric) (0-5 points)

SPOOKY: While I would never frown upon seeing myself appear in the challenge because of my massive ego, this is perfection all the same. It has equal opportunity for humor and poignance and is like nothing I’ve ever run here. Oh, and one last note: whenever I want to talk about a forced curve/tier system, what comes out is “sliding scale” because I had a college professor who referred to it that way for some reason. Stupid prof, make ME look like I don’t know what I’m talking about…

6 points on forced curve (6 points max)

BEAU: I think someone knows both Spooky and I are in love with time travel stories. This could be a fantastic final challenge.

6 points on forced curve (6 points max)

———–

This one surprised me. When I submitted it, I thought it had an outside chance at 4 points, comfortably in the top, but not the best one.  Surprise!  Both judges loved it, which goes to show their good taste, I guess.  Plus I got to get in a joke about Spooky’s bizarre scoring systems.  Everybody wins!

WGOM CW Survivor Archives – Challenge 5 – Bantam Bulwyr

Write the worst possible opening sentence for a novel.

A painful moment – when the Spanish Armada that was my heart was unexpectedly blindsided by surprise waves of cruelty like harpoons to my soul – was your departure for picturesque Sweden.

BEAU: Inappropriate use of the dashes is the highlight here. But “Spanish Armada that was my heart” is a close second. I just know the rest of the paragraph is going to be filled with continued seafaring metaphors and I am running (or is that sailing?) away screaming. Good work. In fact, excellent work. I hate this sentence more and more every time I read it.

6 points on forced curve (6 points max)

SPOOKY: Oh, look at that insanely stupid mixed metaphor. Why mention that Sweden is picturesque here? Why would one need to be “unexpectedly” blindsided? This is brilliant. Er, the opposite of brilliant. And that’s perfect.

6 points on forced curve (6 points max)

———

This was fun.  I just crammed in as much stupidity as I could.  The judges run down the various facets pretty well in their comments, so I’ll just try and be pleased that the first challenge I won in this version of Survivor was a challenge that called for terrible writing.